Sunday, July 26, 2009

I swear I'm not lazy

My ex...
...is no more

Maybe I should...
...clean my shoes for the gym

I love...
...fire

People would say that I'm...
...awesome

I don't understand...
...why people have to prove that they are right, and only they are right

When I wake up in the morning...
...I am confused and cold

Life is full of...
...change

My past is...
...something I want to move on from

Parties are...
...tiring

I wish...
...I could see the future

Tomorrow...
...I am in the dungeon (aka inpatient unit)

I have low tolerance...
...for bad drivers and ignorant/rude/stupid people

I am totally terrified of...
...animals and cotton wool

If I had a million dollars...
...I would take the day off

I am...
...waiting

My home is...
...comfy

My parents taught me...
... that no problem can't be attacked with knowledge and perseverance

Every day...
...is another chance to change a little

My life...
...is starting

If I found out my ex was gay...
...I would have some more self doubt

Boys are...
...silly and missing

Girls are...
...everywhere

I hate people who...
...are intolerant/ignorant/stupid

Last November...
...I finished my thesis

Hickory Dickory Dock...
...I wonder what happened to our Grandfather clock

The best invention ever...
...soap

I love it when...
... the sun shines

Sometimes I...
... do silly things

I work...
... with crazy people and the mentally unwell

GO...
...collect $200

God...
...doesn't care for people judging people in his name

Jesus...
... would be pissed at what people say he wants them to do

Buddha...
...is mindfulness

My dream last night...
...involved being mocked for having to get up

Today I ate...
...party BBQ left overs

Sometimes I swear...
...that I'm older than I am

As a child, I...
...thought I would have it all by now

The world could do with less...
...stress

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

On the state of being awesome

Baby K gave me blue star stamp for getting out of bed on Sunday. And then another for getting dressed. I suggested that she give herself a stamp for being awesome:

Baby K: I already did, see! But it's okay, you can have one for awesomeness too.

Hee. I love this kid. Plus she gives the best huggles.

Monday, July 13, 2009

New York Part I

I think that the best thing about being jet lagged is that the random times you need to get up don't actually hurt as much as they normally would. Thus, I was wide awake and wired when my trusty alarm went off - not because I had been asleep, but because I couldn't really get to sleep. American TV after 1am really dissolves, and they start their breakfast programmes at 4am (complete with traffic report! At 4am! Seriously!).

I checked out at 4.30am to BART (hee) to the airport. I wasn't the only person BARTing (again, hee. Anyone remember Bart from the Simpsons "Do the Bartman"? It's all I could think about the whole time!) at that ridiculous hour, my carriage had a couple of other airport-bound people and a random assortment of people who seemed to be both sober and stable.

I headed to the United check in (and go San Fran Airport for excellent signage!), and attempted to check myself in. There was an issue with signs for the lines, and apparently I didn't need to stand in this particular line, but whatever. The United check in's are all self check in, which is cool, except that the machine didn't read my passport. The rather scary check in lady (seriously, what is up with the amount of airspray/make up they wear?) 'helped' me and then made fun of my accent/country. Okay, so I was also silently mocking her, but at least I was silently doing it! I got my boarding pass, gave the check in lady a witheringly last look - followed by a quick smile as I realised that she was in control of the final destination of my bag.

I travelled through Heathrow-LA-Auckland just a couple of months just after the water bomb plot, so I had been through the 'take your shoes off ' phase of airport security - I just hadn't realised that it was still going on. I hadn't been asked to take my shoes off since that flight in all my flights between NZ and Aust, or even on my flight to San Fran. It was weird, and the staff are very brash. You can't even wear a jumper through on a domestic flight! I know that this is because those flights were domestics, but it was still quite a weird thing considering you can walk through NZ and Aust domestics without too much of a hassle. Somehow in the super xray, the top of my poster roll popped off and I wasn't allowed to go back to look for it, thus I ended up walking through the massive domestic airport with the tube on my arm, waving it like a robot. Oh yeah, I was all class and maturity!

Despite spending forever at San Fran airport, I don't have much memory of it, other than eating pancakes and wandering around. It was really weird that people were allowed to bring coffee onto the plane and when some tool spilt it down into the lap of the passenger below him, he seemed most surprised, and more than a little annoyed that the passenger was offended about it. I decided that the best use of my time was to sleep. I didn't have to worry about the flight attendants waking me up for food, for though it's a five hour flight - they don't feed you. At all. You can buy their overpriced food, but since everything had meat in it, I chose not to (America is not land of the vege-friendly). Oh, and while they offer a movie, it's forever away on a tiny screen and was something silly. Before I crashed out, we flew over some moutains, which oddly enough looked blue.

I must say, American domestic airlines are much more forward thinking by letting people use their own headphones instead of the potentially dodgy airplane ones. It was really trippy just before we landed because we were flying quite low over some suburbs and it all looked the same, only broken up by the occasional shop. Our suburbs aren't like that at all.
Even their farmland is different!

I was supposed to meet a friend at JFK Airport but the security people kind of shepherded us down to the baggage claim and we couldn't go back. This was less than useful for the meeting of people, given that I had planned to meet her at Starbucks. Le sigh. I stuck around for a little bit waiting to see if I could catch her coming in, but no dice. The wifi wouldn't connect for more than 10 secs on my phone, and I realised that I missed my laptop so much. Never again will I not take my precious baby with me. It would have saved me so much grief.

I decided that I would rather catch a shuttle than a train/subway/cab (expensive! stupid exchange rate!), so I dutifully lined up and was treated to some of that lovely New York attitude. Apparently known the name and the approximate location of your hotel is not enough information for shuttle people, despite being next to the World Trade Centre. Thankfully, being the huge geek that I am, I had saved a copy of my itinerary on my phone. I gave it to her, and she thanked me the New York way (rolling her eyes and muttering under her breath). Whatever. I waited the required half hour (in case I ran away?), then another before a middle aged man came running in and I was yelled at for not getting up quick enough. I was jammed in the back of the shuttle, squished between a middle aged lady who wouldn't stop talking on her cellphone and two Colombian tourists on their honeymoon. It was.....awkward.



The rest of the trip into town didn't exactly endear NYC to me. The roads that we took in were either motorways that were congested and had people honking their horns constantly, or were roads through what I presume were slums. The shuttle driver locked our doors. Oh joy. It took us over two hours to get into the city - and then we spent forever dropping everyone else but me and the German couple off. This is where the driver started going nuts when the German couple asked him how much further away they were to getting dropped off. Evidently, that is a question that is too much for the driver and he lost it - even having a go at me for wanting to be dropped off at my hotel which was preventing him from getting back to the airport. I just sat there, silently seething but wanting to punch him in the face. Hard. Stupid man. After getting lost a further two times, he dropped me off at my hotel - or rather, at the corner around from my hotel. Thankfully, there was a lovely doorman and aircon.

Checking in was a breeze, but I was so exhausted that I just passed out on the most glorious bed known to man. Seriously, after the hassle/uncomfortableness of the day, it was the best thing I have ever slept on. It was wondrous. I forced myself out to get something to eat, but by then it was dark, and I had seen a pizza place from my 19th floor hotel room. This pizza place was also where I discovered the wonders of Snapple. I love Snapple. It's a fruit drink that comes in flavours that aren't usual as a fruit drink - Pink Lemonade! And tea! And other awesome flavours. I didn't do much else, since it was dark and I had no idea where the subway's were, so I just chilled, took some pictures of the WTC and slept. Did I mention that the bed was wonderful?



Views from my room
Anyway, this is long enough for now. I promise I do more interesting stuff in the next installment.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Five randoms

1.) Why is TV 2 playing horror movies on a Sunday night? That's not very fair for those of us too lazy to go to bed on time. Oh ha, that's Robyn Malcolm doing a random America accent (she plays Cheryl on Outrageous Fortune).

2.) My knee really hurts this weekend. I don't understand why since it was fine on Friday, post running up and down One Tree Hill in training for Tough Guy. Stupid knee. I should remember to take my camera up there on Tuesday because the sunset is truly beautiful, even if it does kill the meagre warmth provided by the winter sun.

3.) I have a cold/suspected tonsillitis. I can't be bothered with going to the Dr, given that we have a swine flu pandemic going on and you have to go in through the back door after ringing the bell three times. I wouldn't want to touch that bell, since I know I don't have swine flu, but could potentially get it from that. Ew. Oh well, guess I will just have to put up and shut up.

4.) I gave Baby K Peach Ice Tea today....right before dinner. Wow. That is clearly a lunchtime drink (along with Coke).

5.) I do not want to work in the dungeon (aka, the inpatient service). There will be much cleaning of the data and possibly freezing of me since they can't work out how to set my room above 15C. I wonder if I will have any visits from random patients who are clearly on anti psychotics or are looking for something to self harm with.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

It's there and it's not

There is a certain reservedness about some people, a little like they are holding themselves back from being there in the moment. A look shared between two people, a pause, a knowing silence, the way they just hold themselves back a little, a guarded vulnerability. You unconsciously don't pry, but you wonder. One day, you piece it all together or you get a great torrent of information, and you know - you begin guarding their vulnerability as well. Maybe this works, maybe it doesn't.

And maybe, you answer your phone and the past rushes up to meet you, carrying unresolved issues and unnervingly familiar scenario. You can't make it better, you can't stop it from happening, and you have to deal with it. That hidden vulnerability comes bursting to the surface and expands, and try as you might, you can't entirely shield yourself or others from seeing it in all it's painful glory. It's hard, but it's family.

My aunt's boss/friend died yesterday morning, quite suddenly. I arranged to bring my aunt and Baby K back from their holiday in Chch, and fielded the inevitable phone calls enquiring about my aunt since she was out of service range. You see, nearly seven years ago, nine days after the birth of Baby K, my uncle died suddenly. Even now, thinking of that morning feels like someone has punched me in the chest. It took my aunt a long time to get to a point of functioning normally again, and this loss is the first major one since my uncle died. I don't know how I can tend to my aunt, other than being practical and taking care of Baby K. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I don't know what next week will bring, I don't know what will happen when my aunt goes back to work, I don't know how she will deal with losing another male figure in her life. I don't know how I can deal with this spate of deaths going on at work at the moment (in this year alone we've had a client die, a former client die, four fathers (three in the past month alone), a mother, and numerous others). I don't know how long I can look at my grandfather and not see him going soon - and how I can look him in the eyes without showing that fear.

I don't know, it's hard, but it's family.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Almost a little down

I reposted on that forum again - and now I feel that the same three people are again attacking me and ignoring what I am saying. I am not taking it as personally as last time, but it makes me sad that these three people are a medical professional, a medical student, and a reported medical student. They all seem to be very rigid in their ideas, so I wonder about their clinical skills/what they are teaching. I hope that their persona's on the forum are not how they are in real life.

I have a meeting tomorrow concerning a particular type of diagnosis and how it relates to trauma. I'm surprisingly quite anxious about this, as I think that the research may harm the outpatient service and the validity of the diagnosis, as well as have serious implications for those with the diagnosis. I don't particularly like the supervisor (personally) and I have issues with his professional publications. Apparently he is a guy who you either hate or love, and I am clearly not in the love group.

Not only do I need to be at work by 8am, but I am staying until 6 or later, training for Tough Guy. After hearing of what a coworker thought of the Auckland one, I'm just a little hesitant about this now. It's going to be an experience, I just don't know if I will like it. I handled the triathlon, but I wanted to quit almost every single minute. Le sigh.

Baby K has gone on holiday in Chch for the week. I miss her.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Light and fluffy ten random things

Now that I've got that off my chest, I actually have something less heavy to say. Just for kicks, I'm going to bullet point it
  • My service manager said that I am awesome (mainly for accurately predicting the number of cases we'll have by the end of the year and for that number not being too far out, or outside capacity)
  • She also shared that she gets botox every six months (cue awkward silence in the meeting)
  • I then received an email that said that they are going to get rid of the duty database from which I just made all the predictions and did the descriptive statistics. I am less than happy and it better not happen before the end of the year.
  • My upper eye lid is itchy for no reason and it's very distracting
  • I have excellent fire making skills, even with wet wood (that seems oddly dirty to me)
  • I had a dream that involved a new apartment complex with awesome elevators and a game park behind it. Unfortunately for the sheep and zebra, the cheater escaped and was hunting them, but it was okay because I was behind the fence. Then the rain woke me up at 5.30am (i.e. 30 minutes before it was supposed to) and I was not happy, despite being cheater-less
  • I had a strand of hair get up under my contact. I never want to be stabbed in the eye, I can't take pain there
  • Speaking of which, my osteopath is astounded about my pain tolerance. I guess that's what walking on a sublexated patella will do to you. I should really make that acupuncture/massage therapist appointment for that. And pick up my prescriptions that I collected last week (mmm drugs). Opps.
  • I got a perm and it fell out two weeks later. Oh no, I got a perm, it feel out six hours later, I complained and four days later I was in the torture chair/hairdresser chair getting it re done. My hair is slightly more fluffy, but straight.

This is not an REM song, but.....will I lose myself?

I wonder if by going into medicine, I will lose this part of myself that is able to think outside the box. It would be quite ironic, as on the test that shall never be spoke of again I wrote about this very thing. I am a strong believer/proponent/idealist about the Te Whare Tapa Wha model of health, and while this accepted in mental health, I've had a few run in's with people recently who are almost vehement in their opposition of anything that is not the biomedical system.

I was quite stunned about this, given that they are medical students, residents, GP's etc. Surely, a tool that is useful in dealing with people with chronic conditions, would be something that knowledge hungry people would be interested in? If it's something that could possibly assist in reducing the effects of diabetes, CHF, whatever, then it would be worth considering, rather than dismissing out of hand because it's not evidence based. Really, what I felt was a subtle racism towards these ideas simply because it wasn't conventional - and this was the first time that I had ever personally experienced it. It certainly gave me pause because I wasn't sure that this is what I was perceiving to be accurate, but it was. I could see myself losing track of the conversation at hand (osteopathic medicine) because I felt I was being attacked for my beliefs. Durie and the others had a lot of mana to be able to stand up in this culture of belief. I think what was worse, was the sense that they had to change my mind and wouldn't let up. Hell, I backed away for a few days and tried to start a different conversation, and once again it's led back to the fact that I think in a different way to them. I'm not trying to push my beliefs on them, but I do stand strong in mine. I do believe that only doing conventional (allopathic/western/usual) medicine or only doing alternative (complementary/traditional) medicine is harmful to the whole person, but this isn't how everyone thinks. It's how I think, and how I make decisions. I do worry about their future clients/patients who have a different belief system to them and thus need more consideration of interventions. A little consideration goes a long way for compliance.

Is medicine going to be like some sort of cult where freedom of belief is going to be beaten out of me? Will I be strong enough to withstand this beating? I feel that now, my taurangawaewae is strong enough, but I am able to have this reaffirmed with the way my service works.

I don't want to loose myself but I do want to be in medicine.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Obitelj

So much for my daily posting. Or even the continuation of my USA trip. Le sigh.

I love my family. I really do. We are the stereotypical dallie's, always up in each others business. It's what we do, how we function. So when a member of the family needs help, we spring into action. We do what is necessary and then we talk it to death. Except death, that's oddly saved up for random moments like at the supermarket.

Drama flavour of the week goes to my cousin L, who is second to me in my generation level. There was a domestic in which her boyfriend M threw her dressing table across their bedroom, sending everything crashing (including various items/photos' given to her by her dead stepfather) for the electric blanket not being turned on, blah blah blah screaming match, her running away, calling us in a flood of tears and panic/fear that he was going to hurt her, my aunt came running, got her out of there, it was so awful etc etc, stayed up late counselling her etc.

So M takes off for his home town for the weekend, she ends up rationalising everything, goes home Sunday night, he doesn't talk to her, then on Monday night, she goads him into conversation by saying that rather than him stick around to talk about 'what happened'. So he flies off the handle (again...notice a pattern), dumps her, she comes running back her in utter shock and upset - I make the mistake of sending her sister K to give her a hug, which upset her more and K then got upset for making L more upset, yada yada more talking. My aunt gets her a crisis appointment at her old counsellor, and we think that we've finally gotten through to her. L even gets good and mad because M ends up padlocking the gate to their house. My aunt goes around there to get some of her stuff, and M ends up crying in her arms. Because he's never done that before, everyone is surprised and we spend a further night talking about it, L's daddy issues and M's parent issues/behaviour modelling.

We figured that it's over. The counsellor even told her that it was not a good idea to go back. But because L felt guilty for making him cry (where the hell was his guilt?), and pities him for his bad parents, she went to talk to him Friday night - after promising that she would have a sleepover/movies night with her little sister, K. I put to K to bed at 8.30pm Friday night and L wasn't home. I was pissed. When she did come home, she went straight to bed, barely a word. I don't even know if she even apologised to K in the morning. Whatever. L left mid morning to go for a drive with M. We expressed concern, but she said that this was a good way to talk. All throughout the day K was certain - immovably certain- that L was going to have her movie night tonight, that she'd be home in the afternoon and they could hang out. I didn't want her to get her hopes up, and from about 4pm, K was a mess. She was all over the place, giddily happy one moment, in tears the next, really out of character naughty the next. Once again, I put her to bed without movie night. L came home well after K was asleep, to tell us that she was going back to M, from tonight. She didn't want us to be disappointed in her or to pass judgement.
What can we do? My aunt doesn't want her to be there in that relationship, but short of physically tying her down, there wasn't anything that could be done.

I am passing judgement. I do have an opinion. She is with him because she is afraid of being alone, of having to deal with things, of having him feeling hurt. She is with him because he is emotionally manipulating and abusing her, and because she can't see - or won't see - that he will escalate, he will hit her. I told her flat out that had there been kids when he lost it last week, I would have called CYFS. If it happens again, I will call the police. I don't know that I can prevent my disgust from showing if he is around, I know that I will not take her pumping him up (post last blow up, she tried to convince me that M is really smart, and much better at biology than me - despite me having done it at university and M not finishing high school).

I just don't know why the hell she can't see the truth. Why she can't see that you don't have to be in a relationship in order to be a worthy person. Why she can't see that from the time she met him, she has been nothing but a shell of who she used to be. Why she can't see that the concessions that she makes to be with him are repeating what her father did to her in childhood (the promising K and then not showing up). Hell, I just don't get it. And right now, I do not care if she were to read this. I will tell this to her face.

It just makes me so pissed. If I wasn't so involved in my family, this wouldn't be such a big deal. Maybe if she had stopped to realise what effect she is having on K, I wouldn't feel so affronted by her choice.

This wasn't even the only family drama this week.