It's there and it's not

There is a certain reservedness about some people, a little like they are holding themselves back from being there in the moment. A look shared between two people, a pause, a knowing silence, the way they just hold themselves back a little, a guarded vulnerability. You unconsciously don't pry, but you wonder. One day, you piece it all together or you get a great torrent of information, and you know - you begin guarding their vulnerability as well. Maybe this works, maybe it doesn't.

And maybe, you answer your phone and the past rushes up to meet you, carrying unresolved issues and unnervingly familiar scenario. You can't make it better, you can't stop it from happening, and you have to deal with it. That hidden vulnerability comes bursting to the surface and expands, and try as you might, you can't entirely shield yourself or others from seeing it in all it's painful glory. It's hard, but it's family.

My aunt's boss/friend died yesterday morning, quite suddenly. I arranged to bring my aunt and Baby K back from their holiday in Chch, and fielded the inevitable phone calls enquiring about my aunt since she was out of service range. You see, nearly seven years ago, nine days after the birth of Baby K, my uncle died suddenly. Even now, thinking of that morning feels like someone has punched me in the chest. It took my aunt a long time to get to a point of functioning normally again, and this loss is the first major one since my uncle died. I don't know how I can tend to my aunt, other than being practical and taking care of Baby K. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I don't know what next week will bring, I don't know what will happen when my aunt goes back to work, I don't know how she will deal with losing another male figure in her life. I don't know how I can deal with this spate of deaths going on at work at the moment (in this year alone we've had a client die, a former client die, four fathers (three in the past month alone), a mother, and numerous others). I don't know how long I can look at my grandfather and not see him going soon - and how I can look him in the eyes without showing that fear.

I don't know, it's hard, but it's family.

Obitelj

So much for my daily posting. Or even the continuation of my USA trip. Le sigh.

I love my family. I really do. We are the stereotypical dallie's, always up in each others business. It's what we do, how we function. So when a member of the family needs help, we spring into action. We do what is necessary and then we talk it to death. Except death, that's oddly saved up for random moments like at the supermarket.

Drama flavour of the week goes to my cousin L, who is second to me in my generation level. There was a domestic in which her boyfriend M threw her dressing table across their bedroom, sending everything crashing (including various items/photos' given to her by her dead stepfather) for the electric blanket not being turned on, blah blah blah screaming match, her running away, calling us in a flood of tears and panic/fear that he was going to hurt her, my aunt came running, got her out of there, it was so awful etc etc, stayed up late counselling her etc.

So M takes off for his home town for the weekend, she ends up rationalising everything, goes home Sunday night, he doesn't talk to her, then on Monday night, she goads him into conversation by saying that rather than him stick around to talk about 'what happened'. So he flies off the handle (again...notice a pattern), dumps her, she comes running back her in utter shock and upset - I make the mistake of sending her sister K to give her a hug, which upset her more and K then got upset for making L more upset, yada yada more talking. My aunt gets her a crisis appointment at her old counsellor, and we think that we've finally gotten through to her. L even gets good and mad because M ends up padlocking the gate to their house. My aunt goes around there to get some of her stuff, and M ends up crying in her arms. Because he's never done that before, everyone is surprised and we spend a further night talking about it, L's daddy issues and M's parent issues/behaviour modelling.

We figured that it's over. The counsellor even told her that it was not a good idea to go back. But because L felt guilty for making him cry (where the hell was his guilt?), and pities him for his bad parents, she went to talk to him Friday night - after promising that she would have a sleepover/movies night with her little sister, K. I put to K to bed at 8.30pm Friday night and L wasn't home. I was pissed. When she did come home, she went straight to bed, barely a word. I don't even know if she even apologised to K in the morning. Whatever. L left mid morning to go for a drive with M. We expressed concern, but she said that this was a good way to talk. All throughout the day K was certain - immovably certain- that L was going to have her movie night tonight, that she'd be home in the afternoon and they could hang out. I didn't want her to get her hopes up, and from about 4pm, K was a mess. She was all over the place, giddily happy one moment, in tears the next, really out of character naughty the next. Once again, I put her to bed without movie night. L came home well after K was asleep, to tell us that she was going back to M, from tonight. She didn't want us to be disappointed in her or to pass judgement.
What can we do? My aunt doesn't want her to be there in that relationship, but short of physically tying her down, there wasn't anything that could be done.

I am passing judgement. I do have an opinion. She is with him because she is afraid of being alone, of having to deal with things, of having him feeling hurt. She is with him because he is emotionally manipulating and abusing her, and because she can't see - or won't see - that he will escalate, he will hit her. I told her flat out that had there been kids when he lost it last week, I would have called CYFS. If it happens again, I will call the police. I don't know that I can prevent my disgust from showing if he is around, I know that I will not take her pumping him up (post last blow up, she tried to convince me that M is really smart, and much better at biology than me - despite me having done it at university and M not finishing high school).

I just don't know why the hell she can't see the truth. Why she can't see that you don't have to be in a relationship in order to be a worthy person. Why she can't see that from the time she met him, she has been nothing but a shell of who she used to be. Why she can't see that the concessions that she makes to be with him are repeating what her father did to her in childhood (the promising K and then not showing up). Hell, I just don't get it. And right now, I do not care if she were to read this. I will tell this to her face.

It just makes me so pissed. If I wasn't so involved in my family, this wouldn't be such a big deal. Maybe if she had stopped to realise what effect she is having on K, I wouldn't feel so affronted by her choice.

This wasn't even the only family drama this week.

Sometimes it just sucks

This week has been really stressful with work things and then my cousin was admitted to hospital for a potential ectopic pregnancy (which it wasn't - or rather the intern decided it wasn't), and now my Grandad has been admitted to a different hospital for suspected pneumonia, but they've found a shadow on the lung Xray which warrants further investigation, so he's still there. And it wouldn't have been such a hard week if I had the support of my friends here - but that hasn't been forthcoming. And that sucks, a lot. It's been the support of my friends who are further away that has kept me from loosing my mind. I spoke to my dad tonight who suggested that it was because I take my familial responsibilities seriously - and because I am Dallie (Croatian), family is essential for me but not for others. I try to give others that consideration, but right now, I am struggling with them not living up to my expectations. I will drop everything for a friend in need, and it hurts when it is not reciprocated.

I have to remember to be strong, to let myself feel these things and not bury them. Kia Kaha. I am allowed to put myself and my family first. Kia Mana. The hurt I feel is just a demonstration of the love I have for others. Kia Aroha.

I just wish it wasn't so hard.