I can hold my breath for a count of 1, 2, 3

I'm driving myself insane. Not just regular insane with petty issues and so forth, but real heart wrenching, painful and long lasting stress induced insanity. The kind that makes it ironic that I work in mental health - I should just admit myself to HDU and ask for some PRN.

I fucked up the Gamsat. The very test that would dictate my chances of getting into medical school. I screwed up. I got cocky about the essay section and I had a total mindblank (caused in part because the stimulus quotes were ridiculous and uninspiring). I did nut out something, because saying nothing is worse than saying something incoherant. And incoherant I was.

I did ok (I think) in the first part, which tested my humanities knowledge and reasoning, and when the essay section started, I was feeling good about myself. One hour later and I was exhauseted and questioning my motivations. What the hell was I doing? On our release, I got the fuck away from everyone else, found a spot where I could see a tiny sliver of the ocean and had a bit of a moment. I was actually holding it together pretty well, but one of my "oh no, I fucked it up" texts got a reply from my dad that simply said "I have faith in you". Well now.

I manned up and came back for the three hour torture that was the science section. I think that I would have got the same score if I had just not turned up. Not that I have my score (and I won't for another 7 weeks!) but, the magic eight ball cant be wrong. I had actually resigned myself to sitting it again next year, before I had even opened the (very thick!) Section III.

So here I wait. I'm not a patient person, but I've figured out that my lesson for the year is patience. I am still waiting on my thesis results, now I have to wait on this. I really hate that I am doing this to myself and that there is no one else to direct my frustration towards.

I did meet up with a friend, got drunk, sobered up (damn you food!) but stayed out dancing until 5am. Go me. I was so tired the day after, I'm such a nana. The only sad part about that was that my booty call fell asleep by the time I was ready. I'm seeing him on Wednesday when I go back down there. I will get what I need.

I have written off any chance that I might get into either of the universities on the East Coast (UQ and Griffith) as both of them need really high Gamsats and I've fucked that. There is a small private (although not in the way the US does private, just that it's a Catholic University) called Notre Dame in Fremantle.....which happens to be in Perth in Western Australia. Yeah. They do have a lower GPA/Gamsat combo because they weight the interview 60% - and they give you bonuses for previous experience and Masters.

Hell, I don't know. I"m stressiing myself ou over something that I have no control over and is all soemthing of a gamble. Jeebus. I will go wherever, I will sit the gamsat agian. I want this, bt I am not a patient person.

I'm still not that excited about my trip, it's almost like I have to get the Wellington Nurses conference out of the way before I can get excited. It's really weird, like I'm stressing over having enough spending money (since I've paid for my flights and hotels) but it's still not real. The four weeks from the second week of April till the second of May are going to be excellent and potentially devestating.

I'm just a pawn in a game of pain. I've done what I've done. Hell, I dyed my hair dark brown - although it turned out black because that's how blonde it went over summer - and I look like an emo. I've refused to acknowledge it when people have commented on it because I thought that it looked so bad, but today my hair decided that it was looking damn fine (style wise) and so I let it be loose. Three people commented on how good my eyes (actual eyes...not boobs) looked against the hair colour. Apparently they popped. So, win?