Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Haven't felt the way I feel today in so long

From start to finish, today was frustrating. I felt like every step forward was the proverbial step back. To be quite honest, today was ass. Nothing major happened, but none the less, I was frustrated. Ethics letters for a couple of studies arrived, and they had changed the tables on us - now they require consent forms for using the healthcare records in a way other than normally intended and getting Maori Research Review Committee Consultation. The MRRC do not and have never reviewed these small retrospective projects. And why the hell would I get consent from people who have been discharged? One of the projects looks at the last 3 years worth of clients! FUCK. I sure hope like hell that this is wrong, cos that means my presentation is screwed, and more importantly, the project I have worked on for the past year and a half is screwed. I'M REPORTING ON FREAKING AUDITS!!!!

Achm. Also had a massive arguement with the car park company who are making me pay for Feb even though I requested to terminate. Apparently it was my duty to follow up and make sure that they got that termination advice, yet when I did it today and waited 2 hours for confirmation, they got shitty and talked to me like I was a retard. I do not appreciate that, and I made sure she knew that. It's always tempting at times like that to pull out the ol 'do you know who I am?' bullshit when people talk to me like that. So I spent an hour writing a complaint letter, which I am forwarding to the Commerce Commission and maybe Fair Go if they fuck me off more.

Sigh. Then I got home, place was a mess and smelling like garlic (who doesn't love that?). Sigh. So I checked trademe.co.nz to see if the flatmate has put the room up for rent. She hasn't. I'm not that surprised but I am bothered. This place is costing me serious money and I could do with not paying that and getting settled. I'm going to pull some of my stuff out and start shifting in the hope that she gets the hint. I can't keep doing this forever.

There were so many other things that frustrated me today but I can't keep ruminating over the bad stuff. I want to have a good day tomorrow. Ok. I need to say one good thing about today.

I finally got into the water for training for the triathlon and I had some yummy chocolate.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I had happiness in the 'tron

I signed onto Blogger a good half an hour ago, and I'm ashamed at how long it took me to find the 'New Post' Button. In my defence, I drive to Hamilton and back today (1.5h each way) and I have the attention span of a gnat. At least I didn't get pulled into a Wiki Whirl Pool, so that saved about an hour.

My Ethics meeting in Hamilton went really well - pending a few changes (admin and consent issues) I will have approval. Woot woot! This is really exciting for me because I dreamed up the whole project, I got the funding ($10,000!) and I wrote the freaking ethics application of 30+ pages in one day. I got mad skillz yo.

So going to Hamilton for the meeting was really worthwhile - until I nearly crashed. Stupid mofo I was passing in a pass lane decided to slow down just as we got to the merging lane. I was stuck and it was only because the guy behind me stopped, that I didn't crash and die. Seriously! Merge like a zip, people! Speaking of dangerous driving, I took my cousins out on Friday and nearly got stuck in the giant carpark that the NW Motorway turned into. Some mofo lead 26 police cars on a chase through the city, jumped on the motorway, decided he didn't want to be heading westbound any more, stopped his car to jump over the median barrier and brandished his sawn off shotgun at passing motorists in attempt to carjack another car. The AOS did their job and took action, unfortunately a civilian was caught in the crossfire and died. Really unfortunate because he was 17, the father of a 2 year old and working. His family is understandable angry but still, the AOS were doing their job and that mofo was crazy, hopped up on P (ice) and having taken shots at police and civilians in his attempt to escape.

Anyways, we were supposed to be on the motorway at that time, but I threw a sooky and decided that we were going to the beach at Narrow Head. There but for the grace, I go.

Narrow Head is a lovely beach. It's on the North Shore facing Rangitoto (semi-extinct volcano in the middle of the harbour) and perfect for little kids with only metre high waves. The kids had fun, I lay in the sun shelter and pretended to read. I might just take them back this Friday - hopefully without the two hour drive back!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Taking the leap of faith

In March of this year, I will be sitting the Graduate Australian Medical School Admission Test (hereafter referred to as the great evil, the test that shall not be named, or the GAMSAT). I know this because I just paid my registration fee for it. $308 for the privilege of sitting somewhere in Wellington, (the weekend the Who are playing Auckland no less!) for a 6 hour test.

I have wanted to be a doctor ever since finding out that being a midwife payed terribly and I would spent most of my time examining vagina's. All day. I decided that there had to be something that would have a better reward and would be less disturbing. So medicine was the only option.

I have aimed for med school three times now. The first was as a school leaver - having left Australia to attend high school in NZ for this very reason - where the minimum entry marks in Bursary where 361. I got a measly 273. It was sufficient for all the other courses I had applied for, so I dutifully went off to do my Health Science degree, thinking that I would make it into second year. I was naive, I was young (16), I had never fallen hard enough to really, truly want it. I wanted it for the mana, I wanted it for the status. I didn't get it. And that hurt.

All was not lost and so I headed off to finish my degree, taking papers I thought I had to do in order to get in post-bachelors and I hated each and every minute of them. I barely scraped through some of them, I failed. Looking back now, I would like to shake myself and only do subjects that I was interested in. Oh, and drink less. I did not make it in post-bachelors, having left two papers to do. Instead jetting off for my ill-fated trip to England.

In England I worked as a PA to a neurosurgeon, then several neurologists. I loved it, I hated it. I could feel that I was wasting my potential, that I was wasting my life because I wasn't enjoying London, I wasn't living the life that I felt I could and should be living. The neurosurgeon was surprised that some of my caliber was working as a PA. It was shameful. Not quite as shameful as losing my job because they decided they didn't like my visa anymore - one month after hiring me. That was my lowest point - it was so painful that I couldn't take being in London anymore. My flat hat I was living in was a hovel with an overbearing asshole landlord/flatmate, I lost my job, I didn't have true friends. It was clear - London and the UK were not for me.

I flew back to home via NZ. While there (here), my friends convinced me that I should be living in NZ and finish my bachelors off. One semester of summer school and I was done. I could do the actual graduation thing! My faculty sent me an information brochure on graduate programmes and I figured that I had come this far - why not? So I did a Post Graduate Diploma in Health Science (Youth Health) as something to make me stand out from everyone else. It was a great experience, sometimes painful but very good for my self esteem after the wreak that was 2006. As part of my 'independent study' paper, I did a dissertation on Pro Ana Communities. No one that I talked to knew what they were or what went on in them. I had a very specialised form of knowledge - I was the expert. It was an interesting feeling - especially when I got it back and I discovered I had an A. I was gobsmacked.

Various people encouraged me to go further, do the full masters. So I did. Just like that, I was enrolled and found a supervisor (although she did turn out to be useless and batshit crazy). I came up with the topic while standing in line at Sir Edmund Hilary's Public Viewing. I basically just wanted something that I could watch a lot of TV for, and for whatever reason, I decided that this would be it. It certainly didn't turn out like that - in fact, what I had in mind would have been more suitable for a full PhD thesis. At any rate, in Decemeber 2008 I handed in my thesis after being told that I would fail, or that I would need to take an extension. If I had taken the extension that my old supervisor and the Head of the Department had decided that I needed to take, I would not be done for another month. Oh hell no. I expect to find out the results in the next 4-8 weeks. I want to know, but right now I am safe from failing because I don't know.

Which brings me back to the point. Completing my Masters has given me a final, third shot at making it into Med School. I did some research and found that having a Masters gives you a final GPA of 6.5, and the University of Queensland accepts such. I also have an outside chance at getting into Griffith, although I will have to kick the interview because my GPA is so low (5.20, with 5.00 being minimum).

And so on March 21st, I will sit the 6 hour gamsat with thousands of others. The test has no rhyme or reason for their marking schedule and to get into UQ, I will need a score of at least 65. That is my minimum. I will get it. I must. I am not concerned with the first two sections, Comprehension and Essay Writing - the first requiring speed reading (I try to not buy books because I read them too fast) and the second requiring creative bullshitting (I believe that is called my thesis writing, hee). I am concerned about my Science ability, which will be tested on for three hours. God, I'm scared.

But I will do this, and I will succeed. I must, so I shall.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Number One

The number one represents my life in so many ways. I am the first child of my parents, the first grandchild, the first in my family to finish high school (still the only one - go G! You can make it!), the first to go to university, the first to go to Europe, the first to live abroad, the first to go into post-graduate education. It is not suprising that I am referred to as the Golden One, my grandfathers compaigion, the one who leads the way.

It's not that I am up myself, or have tickets on myself - this is just the way that things are. It's not easy - there is no one to look towards for guidance, I must make the leap and hope not to crash and burn. It's a lot of respoinsbility being the eldest. I must carefully balance being a daughter/friend/grandchild/cousin/niece/sister. I can't be everything and that really sucks when the shine wears off my amour. I might not be able to be everything to everyone, but I can be myself. There is only one of me.

Number `One` provides natural leadership qualities to the person. Number 1 people are initiators and leaders. They tend to take charge of a situation with self-assurance and confidence that shows. It is a very powerful number, which makes its presence known wherever it goes. The number 1 person is also occasionally known for His/ her bossy attitude towards others. More often the confidence is bright on surface with hidden streaks of vulnerability inside.

Number 1 people are highly independent individuals with a habit of holding on to their attitude. Anyone trying to oppose them might be treated harshly by them.

They like grandeur and want to live life in its full. The `Sun` number imparts brightness and energy in everything it undertakes. A person within the influence of this number should channelize his active and passionate nature in something productive, so that the extra energy doesn`t turn into ego and aggressiveness. One should also check in rigidity and stubbornness.

The whole idea of dictating things around to get things done in a better way sounds like a good idea. But this control freak, demanding attitude should be practised with diplomacy and tact. In reality, most people sooner or later agree about the skillful ways of handling situations by a number one person and its is but natural for the Sun ruled people to assume a commanding position.

A number 1 individual likes being loved and hates being ignored. But they often forget that key to receive love is to first give love unconditionally.

Sun ruled people are born with a sense of dignity and a love for fine things in life.

One is an entity with very strong vibrations. Anyone born with it is destined to succeed or at least make an impact. There is nothing subtle about it.

This year, I will work with my strengths, I will not struggle against them. I will try.