It's there and it's not

There is a certain reservedness about some people, a little like they are holding themselves back from being there in the moment. A look shared between two people, a pause, a knowing silence, the way they just hold themselves back a little, a guarded vulnerability. You unconsciously don't pry, but you wonder. One day, you piece it all together or you get a great torrent of information, and you know - you begin guarding their vulnerability as well. Maybe this works, maybe it doesn't.

And maybe, you answer your phone and the past rushes up to meet you, carrying unresolved issues and unnervingly familiar scenario. You can't make it better, you can't stop it from happening, and you have to deal with it. That hidden vulnerability comes bursting to the surface and expands, and try as you might, you can't entirely shield yourself or others from seeing it in all it's painful glory. It's hard, but it's family.

My aunt's boss/friend died yesterday morning, quite suddenly. I arranged to bring my aunt and Baby K back from their holiday in Chch, and fielded the inevitable phone calls enquiring about my aunt since she was out of service range. You see, nearly seven years ago, nine days after the birth of Baby K, my uncle died suddenly. Even now, thinking of that morning feels like someone has punched me in the chest. It took my aunt a long time to get to a point of functioning normally again, and this loss is the first major one since my uncle died. I don't know how I can tend to my aunt, other than being practical and taking care of Baby K. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I don't know what next week will bring, I don't know what will happen when my aunt goes back to work, I don't know how she will deal with losing another male figure in her life. I don't know how I can deal with this spate of deaths going on at work at the moment (in this year alone we've had a client die, a former client die, four fathers (three in the past month alone), a mother, and numerous others). I don't know how long I can look at my grandfather and not see him going soon - and how I can look him in the eyes without showing that fear.

I don't know, it's hard, but it's family.